Things Mothers Learn

I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.

I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.

I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it. I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot decide for you.

I can offer you advice, but I cannot accept it for you.

I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.

I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.

I can teach you respect, but I cannot force you to show honor.

I can advise you about friends, but cannot choose them for you.

I can advise you about sex, but I cannot keep you pure.

I can tell you about drink, but I can't say "no" for you.

I can warn you about drugs, but I can't prevent you from using them.

I can tell you about lofty goals, but I can't achieve them for you.

I can teach you about kindness, but I can't force you to be gracious.

I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.

I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life. - Author unknown

You Know You're A Mom When... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.

3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

5. You child throws up, and you catch it.

6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you keep eating.

7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.

8. You mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

9. Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, or, better yet, in the lobby of a Grand Central Station... and you do it.

10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

12. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, while your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

13. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

14. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

15. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

16. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

17. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

18. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

19. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

20. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

21. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes!"

22. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

23. You read that the average five year old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is above average.

24. You say at least once a day, I'm not cut out for this job, but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world

When God Created Mothers...

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."

"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."

"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.

God nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

"God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."

"I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

"But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."

"Can it think?"

"Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."

"It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."

"What's it for?"

"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."

"You are a genius, " said the angel.

Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there."

 A mother of three walked into a supermarket in a desperate attempt to get supper ready quick, and asked one of the grocery clerks, "Do you have anything quicker than instant?"