"Beatitudes for Married Couples"

BEATITUDES FOR A MARRIED COUPLE

Blessed are the husband and wife who continue to be

Affectionate, considerate and loving after the wedding

bells have stopped ringing.

Blessed are the husband and wife who are as polite

and courteous to one another as they are to their friends.

Blessed are they who have a sense of humor, their

marriage shall be much brighter.

Blessed are the parents who abstain from alcohol (I

would add ", tobacco, and drugs"), their children will

surely follow their example.

Blessed are they who are faithful to each other and

mutually helpful. God will surely guide them.

Blessed are the husband and wife who thank God for

good things which come to them. They shall receive both

good things and thankful children.

Blessed are the parents who recognize their children

as gifts from God, their home shall be filled with love.

Blessed are those mates who make their home a place

"where seldom is heard a discouraging word". They shall

inspire others to do likewise.

Blessed are the parents who attend and support their

church. Their children shall develop a strong faith.

Blessed is the couple who are good stewards of all

God's gifts, their children will bless them and follow

Their example.

Blessed are all those whose lives are a testimony of

Faith in God, they shall be the channels through which

God's kingdom will come on earth.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow them all the

Days of their lives and they shall dwell in the house of

The Lord forever.

 One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

 Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

 Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

 The man says, "Yep, sure do."

 Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

 The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

 Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

 The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the

carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

 WIFE: "In the pool."

ALTHOUGH my husband and I had finished our Christmas shopping, Orville had to go to a department store to purchase a few household items. As he passed an elderly shopper, the gentleman noted the 30-gallon trash can in Orville's cart and remarked, "It gets harder and harder every year to know what to get her, doesn't it?" --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Ruth Lucas

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female(e.g., "Steady as she goes," or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasonsfor drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

 Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

John Fetterman, rector of Grace Episcopal Church in Madison, Wisconsin told of an elderly woman who died last April. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

--From Homiletics, Jan-Mar 96

 Did you know....

* There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and ONLY 8 WHO DO.

* Marilyn Monroe wore a SIZE 12.

* If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her unnatural and impossible proportions.

* The average American woman weighs 144 lbs. and wears between a size 12 and 14.

* One out of every 4 college aged women has an eating disorder.

* The models in the magazines are airbrushed-- THEY'RE NOT PERFECT!!

* A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and shameful.

* Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman, today they weigh 23% less.

More Illustrations on Marriage Click Here