Church
WAYS TO KNOW YOU ARE IN THE WRONG CHURCH.......
- The staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and
Socio-Pastor.
- They have ATM machines in the lobby.
- No cover charge, but communion is a two drink minimum.
- Services are B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Snakes)
- They have karaoke worship time.
- The guy that takes the minutes in business meeting votes against everything because he can't spell unanimous.
- The only song the church organist knows is Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida.
- The church bus has gun racks.
- The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss" version.
- The choir wears leather robes.
- When you go in ushers ask you, "Do you want smoking or non-smoking?"
TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH
1. Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.
3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
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A minister habitually told his congregation that if they needed a pastoral visit, to drop a note in the offering plate. One evening after services he discovered a note that said, "I am one of your loneliest members and heaviest contributors. May I have a visit tomorrow evening?"
(Signed} Your wife
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A church member asked a pastor why the preachers from that part of the state were seen gathering at his house the first Monday of every month.
"To tell the truth," answered the sincere pastor, "we exchange sermons."
"Well, don't do it anymore!" warned the lady. 'You're getting stuck every time."
Posted on the bulletin board in front of a Buffalo, New York church: ALL NEW SERMONS---NO SUMMER RERUNS.
If this is not a place
If this is not a place where tears are understood,
then where shall I go to cry?
And if this is not a place where my spirit can take wings,
then where shall I go to fly?
I don't need another place for trying to impress you
with just how good and virtuous I am. No! No! No!
I don't need another place for always being on top of things;
everybody konws that its a sham, it's a sham.
I don't need another place for always waering smiles,
even when its not the way I feel.
I don't need another place, to mouth the same old platitudes;
everybody knows that its not real.
So if this is not a place where tears are understood,
where shall I go,
where shall I go to fly?
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