Children
Your Child Deserves...
Your child deserves to hear you pray earnestly and often.
Your child deserves to go to worship and Bible classes with you regularly.
Your child deserves to see you sacrifice for the Lord
Your child deserves to go with you to visit the sick and bereaved
Your child deserves to be taught the Bible by you.
Your child deserves to hear you praise the church and her leaders.
Your child deserves to be encouraged by you to seek and obey the truth always.
Your child deserves to see you putting the Lord first in your giving.
Your child deserves to know the Christ living in you.
After a church service, a little boy told the Pastor, "When I grow up,
I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the Pastor replied, "that would be very nice of
you," he smiled, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had."
Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."
Brian, a "cool" teenage boy continually challenges his conservative father by, wanting to have his ears pierced or his hair dyed. "Dad," he asked, "Would it be okay if I had S-T-U-D shaved in the back of my head?"
"Sure," came his Father's quick reply. "But only if you add a Y to it."
Explaining God
Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God".
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.
God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have. Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them...and they crucified Him.
But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did.
And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.
You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God.
Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.
But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God.
A mother asked a psychologist, "When shall I start training my child?"
"How old is he?" she was asked.
"Five."
The psychologist said, "Madam, hurry home! You've already lost five years."
Patience Finds Peace
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said. "I haven't received my Social Security (Pension) check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating thesecans around for a lousy quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
The Bible According to Kids
The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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Pastor Jim gives this book four stars!
John C. Maxwell / Hardcover / Published 1993
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